Last night’s dreams: I am walking through a grocery store eating a chunk of cheese. When I get outside, I’m busted by a security guard who says I have to go back in and pay for it. I tell him, no, it was mine, I had it in my purse. He says, who do you think you’re kidding lady?
Later, I’m spreading hummus on a tortilla and cutting peppers and tomatoes to put on top. It looks really good, and I’m thinking about how healthy it is. I’m about to take a bite when I realize, I can’t have tortillas! What was I thinking? And then I have that panicky feeling of dread where I wonder what other things I have “accidentally” eaten.
Just before I wake, I dream that the toilet is overflowing. My husband wants me to get up and help because the water is running across the bathroom floor into the hallway and dripping into the basement, and besides, it was me who clogged the toilet in the first place. I try to explain that I used the plunger a number of times but the toilet is still clogged. Then I get up to get some towels, wondering where I left all the rags.
I’ve been feeling like crap. I feel okay for a while, and then like crap again. And really I can’t believe how TIRED I am. Not just a little sleepy or worn out in the evening. I’m talking have to pass out in the middle of the day while the kids (thank god!) nap. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning.
Was I so completely fueled by carbs that when I don’t eat them I can hardly function?
I also cannot believe how much actual, physical hunger I feel, which makes me realize how often I eat for other reasons.
There have been a few moments where I’ve really had to call upon my powers of resistance. Last time I did this (or any) kind of cleanse, I did not have kids, so I was not fixing anybody a grilled cheese sandwich, or being offered a cookie from the basket at music class. I did not have to go to the grocery store and buy bagels or juice or bread. I did not wake in the morning to the aroma of toasting waffles.
So, I’ve had to say no a lot. Which is okay, I suppose. But it makes me wonder about a lot. Like, why am I doing this? I’m really not into denying myself things, especially at this point in my life, when it feels like it takes a lot of rigamarole (e.g. childcare) to have the time, energy, wherewithall to give to myself. So why cut out more things I actually like?
I’m trying to think in terms of “giving myself health.” Sometimes that flies, sometimes not so much, and I just feel kind of crabby.I also have these waves of self-doubt that knock me over. Besides “why am I doing this,” there are lots of questions about whether or not I’m doing it “right.” Do I feel so crappy because I’m detoxing or because I’m not taking the right supplements? Should I really not be eating nut butter or apples? What about rice?
Will I ever be able to stop taking drugs? I know it’s only been four days, but I think I expected more in terms of sinus relief. Also, I’ve been taking an antidepressant for about six months and am thinking about going off of it, but then I have these mood swings and think I better stay on. I’m feeling really stuck, emotionally. But that’s a whole nother post.
What all of this comes down to is not knowing my body. We’ve been so out of touch with each other for so long now, my body and me, that I feel like I’m lost in the wilderness with someone who only speaks Russian and we are both trying to figure out how to survive.
Nice to know someone out there might be reading the smoke signals.
4 comments:
This sucks.
Sorry its been rough.
IT sounds rough on so many levels. the actual resisting of certain foods. The feeling crappy and tired. And the the emotional or psychic stuff that surfaces when doing something different.
I am literally the last person to be asking about advice on cleanses or restricted eating of any kind, so no great words of wisdom here. My only thought, for what it is worth - asking the questions is good even if you have no answers. They will bring you home to yourself.
love you
You inspire me. I wish I only ate in my dreams, like you.
i experienced a lot of you are describing when i went through my cleanse ~ there was a lot of emotional detox as well as some physical manifestations but i stuck with it because that was right for me ~ you have to listen to yourself and your body i think :) xox
Your post rang so true to me too! I recently went to my ayervedic practictioner and he says no coffee, no meat, no cold drinks ever, no drinking with meals, meditate upon awakening for 15 mintues etc etc. I tried really hard for a few weeks but exhausted myself and only felt more depressed. I was sharing my story with someone I look up to in the business world and she said, why are you restricting yourself the things you like? I realized that I had no good answer other than I thought it might make me feel better? My hesitation opened my eyes to the fact that it just wasn't realistic for someone who has 2 young kids to incorporate all that he told me to do. (He has no children and lives in a mansion on the ocean by the way) I realized this was another futile attempt by me to control what I can in my out of control life. Follow your gut both figurativly and literaly and be as kind and forgiving to yourself as you can.
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