WHY I’M HERE
Well, here I am, blogging. Honestly, I’ve never even read many blogs and now here I am, writing my own. It’s weird. I feel self-conscious and kind of silly but also like I want this to be perfect and profound and riveting.
But I’m willing to let that go, which is really what this is all about.
I’m about to embark upon a Cleanse. This cleanse, as I envision it, will involve some version of the candida diet, and along with purging my body of toxins and fungi, I am hoping to dump a lot of emotional waste that has built up over the past few years. Also, I’m having a garage sale. But more on that later.
I’m freaking out a little bit because I have undergone various cleansing dietary regimens before. I’ve done juice fasts ; I’ve been a vegetarian and a vegan; I’ve gone wheat-free and dairy free; I’ve tried the cabbage soup diet; I’ve done different versions of the candida diet; I’ve done the garlic, olive oil maple syrup cleanse.
That was all years ago, before I was married and had kids, when I was trying out different personas and figuring out who I was. When I was in massage school and serious about alternative health care. When I was on the road and concerned about karma.
The thing that makes me anxious about it now is that I know how easy it is for me to become completely obsessed with food – with what I can and can’t eat and want to eat but am not “allowed,” with whether or not I’m doing enough or too much of whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing. I know how the shopping and food preparing can take over my life, how finding the obscure grain or exact combination of vitamin supplements means many trips to the specialty and health food stores. And how, when it’s over, when the stated number of days or weeks of restraint has ended, there is always a backlash.
I now have a three year old and a one year old. This will have to be very different, because everything is different now. I don’t have the time or mental space to obsess, but I don’t really have the time or mental space to think about food at all – I just eat. I’ve made a few attempts since becoming a mother to regain some sort of consciousness about what I’m eating because I find that often, now, I spend a lot of the day mindlessly putting things in my mouth. I’ve tried to reign in my sugar consumption, and in an effort to get rid of my post-partum weight, I spent about three days on the Zone Diet before I gave up.
So. Why do I want to do this again now if I know I get crazy or might be setting myself up to fail?
I feel the need. And (maybe), I feel ready.
I suspect I have candida (for those who don’t know, candida is a systemic fungus that causes everything from yeast infections to fatigue to digestive problems to difficulty thinking clearly. It’s the kind of condition that many medical doctors don’t believe is real, while other practitioners think most people are walking around with it and don’t know it. There are various causes of candida, but long-term or repeated antibiotic use is a big culprit, along with a high-carb diet.) I don’t currently have a lot of the digestive issues that I’ve had in the past when I’ve had candida (although, generally, I’m prone to constipation). But last year, I had a bad cold that turned into an ear infection which turned into really bad sinusitis. I took antibiotics and then more antibiotics and then steroids. I’ve been on Allegra D and a steroid nasal spray for about a year. I’d like to get off of both of them, especially since they don’t seem to be working as well, and my sinusitis is coming back, which could be caused by candida.
I’ve had seasonal allergies for about fifteen years and started taking Claritin when it came out over the counter. Then I was taking it every day. I think I’m addicted to Sudafed. I feel like I always have fluid in my ears.
And there are other things. A toenail fungus that won’t go away. These weird little itchy bumbs all over my hands. I itch in places that one does not generally scratch in public.
All of which seems pretty fungal. And all of which, I know, hardly registers on the broad spectrum of physical ailments. But I know I could be feeling better than I do. I don’t know if it’s the drugs I’m on or the way I’m eating or being a mom, but I feel tired and sluggish all the time.
Additionally, along with all the physical symptoms, I’m feeling the need for an emotional release. I feel like I need to sit in the bathtub and cry for about a month. Over the past few years, since having kids, especially since my second child, I feel like I’ve built up a lot of grief. I’ve only just recently identified this as the feeling I’ve been walking around with for so long now. It’s mixed in with some other feelings that I can’t quite name yet.
Lately, I’ve had the sense that I’m ready to let go, or that I’ve finished with something. That these emotions have served their purpose in my life and in my body, and yet they’re still kind of hanging around. So I’m hoping that while detoxifying my body, my mind and psyche will also release what they no longer need.
Meanwhile, I’m having a garage sale. I know that probably seems random and unrelated, but it’s all part of the cleaning out process for me. An outward manifestation of what’s going on inside. So I’ll be getting rid of a lot of baby stuff, which is something I want to do and feel I’m ready for, but at the same time, I can’t even really think about it before tearing up. See? Right now – tears. It’s a way of making real that this part of my life has ended. (most likely. I have to put that “most likely” in there as a sort of caveat: Just because we’re selling the exersaucer doesn’t mean that should I happen to get pregnant, we can buy another one.)
So what about going crazy and getting obsessive and extreme? That’s what this blog is about. I’m hoping to have a place to process things, to deliberately articulate what I’m doing and what’s going on, so that when things get hard or painful or when I start to obsess, I’ll be able to release some of that energy here, and maybe even get support, too (although the audience part of this whole thing is still pretty vague and mysterious).
I’ll end for now.
Well, here I am, blogging. Honestly, I’ve never even read many blogs and now here I am, writing my own. It’s weird. I feel self-conscious and kind of silly but also like I want this to be perfect and profound and riveting.
But I’m willing to let that go, which is really what this is all about.
I’m about to embark upon a Cleanse. This cleanse, as I envision it, will involve some version of the candida diet, and along with purging my body of toxins and fungi, I am hoping to dump a lot of emotional waste that has built up over the past few years. Also, I’m having a garage sale. But more on that later.
I’m freaking out a little bit because I have undergone various cleansing dietary regimens before. I’ve done juice fasts ; I’ve been a vegetarian and a vegan; I’ve gone wheat-free and dairy free; I’ve tried the cabbage soup diet; I’ve done different versions of the candida diet; I’ve done the garlic, olive oil maple syrup cleanse.
That was all years ago, before I was married and had kids, when I was trying out different personas and figuring out who I was. When I was in massage school and serious about alternative health care. When I was on the road and concerned about karma.
The thing that makes me anxious about it now is that I know how easy it is for me to become completely obsessed with food – with what I can and can’t eat and want to eat but am not “allowed,” with whether or not I’m doing enough or too much of whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing. I know how the shopping and food preparing can take over my life, how finding the obscure grain or exact combination of vitamin supplements means many trips to the specialty and health food stores. And how, when it’s over, when the stated number of days or weeks of restraint has ended, there is always a backlash.
I now have a three year old and a one year old. This will have to be very different, because everything is different now. I don’t have the time or mental space to obsess, but I don’t really have the time or mental space to think about food at all – I just eat. I’ve made a few attempts since becoming a mother to regain some sort of consciousness about what I’m eating because I find that often, now, I spend a lot of the day mindlessly putting things in my mouth. I’ve tried to reign in my sugar consumption, and in an effort to get rid of my post-partum weight, I spent about three days on the Zone Diet before I gave up.
So. Why do I want to do this again now if I know I get crazy or might be setting myself up to fail?
I feel the need. And (maybe), I feel ready.
I suspect I have candida (for those who don’t know, candida is a systemic fungus that causes everything from yeast infections to fatigue to digestive problems to difficulty thinking clearly. It’s the kind of condition that many medical doctors don’t believe is real, while other practitioners think most people are walking around with it and don’t know it. There are various causes of candida, but long-term or repeated antibiotic use is a big culprit, along with a high-carb diet.) I don’t currently have a lot of the digestive issues that I’ve had in the past when I’ve had candida (although, generally, I’m prone to constipation). But last year, I had a bad cold that turned into an ear infection which turned into really bad sinusitis. I took antibiotics and then more antibiotics and then steroids. I’ve been on Allegra D and a steroid nasal spray for about a year. I’d like to get off of both of them, especially since they don’t seem to be working as well, and my sinusitis is coming back, which could be caused by candida.
I’ve had seasonal allergies for about fifteen years and started taking Claritin when it came out over the counter. Then I was taking it every day. I think I’m addicted to Sudafed. I feel like I always have fluid in my ears.
And there are other things. A toenail fungus that won’t go away. These weird little itchy bumbs all over my hands. I itch in places that one does not generally scratch in public.
All of which seems pretty fungal. And all of which, I know, hardly registers on the broad spectrum of physical ailments. But I know I could be feeling better than I do. I don’t know if it’s the drugs I’m on or the way I’m eating or being a mom, but I feel tired and sluggish all the time.
Additionally, along with all the physical symptoms, I’m feeling the need for an emotional release. I feel like I need to sit in the bathtub and cry for about a month. Over the past few years, since having kids, especially since my second child, I feel like I’ve built up a lot of grief. I’ve only just recently identified this as the feeling I’ve been walking around with for so long now. It’s mixed in with some other feelings that I can’t quite name yet.
Lately, I’ve had the sense that I’m ready to let go, or that I’ve finished with something. That these emotions have served their purpose in my life and in my body, and yet they’re still kind of hanging around. So I’m hoping that while detoxifying my body, my mind and psyche will also release what they no longer need.
Meanwhile, I’m having a garage sale. I know that probably seems random and unrelated, but it’s all part of the cleaning out process for me. An outward manifestation of what’s going on inside. So I’ll be getting rid of a lot of baby stuff, which is something I want to do and feel I’m ready for, but at the same time, I can’t even really think about it before tearing up. See? Right now – tears. It’s a way of making real that this part of my life has ended. (most likely. I have to put that “most likely” in there as a sort of caveat: Just because we’re selling the exersaucer doesn’t mean that should I happen to get pregnant, we can buy another one.)
So what about going crazy and getting obsessive and extreme? That’s what this blog is about. I’m hoping to have a place to process things, to deliberately articulate what I’m doing and what’s going on, so that when things get hard or painful or when I start to obsess, I’ll be able to release some of that energy here, and maybe even get support, too (although the audience part of this whole thing is still pretty vague and mysterious).
I’ll end for now.
5 comments:
This is beautiful.
Writing is own kind of cleansing, isn't it?
I look forward to your words, your offerings, and know I will enjoy much laughter and insight as you bring your voice to us.
Garage sales rock!
Welcome to the blogging world! A big ole' worldwide community. It really is quite fun. :-)
I think you are fantastic. I am fancinated by the amount of people out there that are just like me...blogging has shown me the light. I just tucked away my son's pillow case from when he was an infant, I just can't bare to part with some things! I hope you make millions with your garage sale and fill your soul with the profits. xoxox
i always kind of view writing as a purge of sorts, a cleanse, especially my poetry and blog entries :)
welcome to the beautiful madness!! its nice to 'meet' you!
Hi!
It is nice to know that there are other people also thinking about cleansing. I'm thinking of doing one myself for the same reasons, but did not started yet.
Nice to meet you. :c)
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