what was that?

I'm not even proofreading when I post now, as a way of proving to myself that this is just for me. ha. so there.
I think I will take a nap today. everyone else is sleeping, so why not. took the boys for haircuts this morning, and then out for pancakes, which has become part of the ritual. I didn't realize how long E's hair was until I saw it in a pile on the floor. He was sort of getting a mullet - that much I knew. poor guy screamd the whole time - he didn't do that during his first haircut, but that was at one of those places just for kids where they can watch a clifford video and sit in a chair that looks like a fire truck. today we went to the $5.00 Romanian shop down the street where the barber was quite meticulous if a bit gruff. I kept wanting to say, 'okay - that's fine, we're done.' glad I waited until he had actually trimmed both sides. also, I think e's first haircut was BEFORE he cut his head and had to go the the ER and be restrained while they cleaned and then glued his head, so now anything remotely restraining is not so fun for him.

anyway. at some point, I want to make sense or find a context for what was going on with me before - before, when I started the blog, and then before that, with the depression.
I can see now, now that I've gotten some distance, that doing the cleanse, the garage sale, but big purge(s), was all a way of marking a new beginning. a dear friend of mine is a doula, and in the training for her work, she learned that some people think of the post-partum period as a labrynth, in that you can move away from the birth experience, only to turn a corner and find yourself right up next to it again, as if no time had passed. This meandering, healing, processing period during which the mother finds context and, hopefully, meaning, for her birth experience can last...(when she was first telling me this, at this moment, I thought "six weeks") three years. and then if you have one child and then another and another, it's like you have a labrynth on top of another labrynth on top of another one, with all those twists and turns and corners and weaving toward and away from.
I am not explaining this nearly as eloquently as she, but her discription had such an impact on me.
there is so much pressure in our culure to "get over it and get on w/ it" after having a baby.
all this to say - I had a rough time after having my second child. he's 20 mos now, and I'm feeling much better.
last fall, i think I was getting ready to step out of the labrynth. I was ready to reclaim parts of myself. I didn't quite know that's what I was doing, until now, and of course I'm still not "done" whatever that might mean.
but I was in something and now I feel like I'm out of it. which of course means I'm now in s/thing else.

well, that's enough for today. time to sleep a bit.