just pretending

I'm not really here. I'm just pretending to write this b/c I don't really have time. I need s/thing for myself though, and so I am doing this for me. I know this is a step beyond journalling somehow, but not quite for public consumption. I'm kind of hoping no one reads it. I got so caught up before in trying to get into the loop - to become part of a conversation that had been going on long before I showed up and feeling ignored or not cool enough or like everyone already had enough friends so who needed to listen to me.
it brought back waaaaay to much jr high, in other words. so instead of just saying what I wanted to say, what felt important and true at that moment, I felt like I needed to get everyone's attention, otherwise it's like being on stage in an empty theater. after a while you feel kind of silly.
so, anyway. that was then.
now, I'm just here. doing this. being where I am. I'm feeling really fat at the moment. I've been eating a ton of crap. part of it is the cold. it's a basic biological fact that when it's cold, we want to pack on the fat. it's our body's response to its surroundings, and that's a good thing. we should be glad we have bodies and that our bodies have their own intelligence. it's 6 degrees for god's sake - let's stay warm!
but I don't have to eat sugar and bread. I can eat more protein. but I'm not. I'm eating crap. cake cookies chocolate. it was jut valentine's day, after all.
I keep telling myself "soon." soon I will....stop. begin. eat well. come back to consciousness. part of this is bullshit, of course. but part of this is actually true, and I know that, and I want to give myself permission and credit for getting out of 'control' whatever that means while knowing that i will eventually reign it in. it's just how I operate.
see? there. I feel better already.
meanwhile, I'm doing this new business thing, and it feels strange and right and scary and exciting, and I'm not sure who I am, doing it. does it change me? of course it does, and of course it doesn't. I'm utilizing parts of myself that have never been taken out of their delivery box, so to speak. other parts have been in storage for a long, long time. so I feel different to myself
plus, I've been more stressed and frantic, running my energy at a high speed. I'm not meditating or exercising or, again, eating well. feeling a bit unconscious.
just in the past few days I've felt myself called back home. so maybe that's part of why I'm here, now. waking myself up again. coming back to the slow, grounded parts.
finding balance. there - that's it! I'm finding balance.
so do I post this? why or why not?