Day Four

Last night’s dreams: I am walking through a grocery store eating a chunk of cheese. When I get outside, I’m busted by a security guard who says I have to go back in and pay for it. I tell him, no, it was mine, I had it in my purse. He says, who do you think you’re kidding lady?
Later, I’m spreading hummus on a tortilla and cutting peppers and tomatoes to put on top. It looks really good, and I’m thinking about how healthy it is. I’m about to take a bite when I realize, I can’t have tortillas! What was I thinking? And then I have that panicky feeling of dread where I wonder what other things I have “accidentally” eaten.
Just before I wake, I dream that the toilet is overflowing. My husband wants me to get up and help because the water is running across the bathroom floor into the hallway and dripping into the basement, and besides, it was me who clogged the toilet in the first place. I try to explain that I used the plunger a number of times but the toilet is still clogged. Then I get up to get some towels, wondering where I left all the rags.

I’ve been feeling like crap. I feel okay for a while, and then like crap again. And really I can’t believe how TIRED I am. Not just a little sleepy or worn out in the evening. I’m talking have to pass out in the middle of the day while the kids (thank god!) nap. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning.
Was I so completely fueled by carbs that when I don’t eat them I can hardly function?
I also cannot believe how much actual, physical hunger I feel, which makes me realize how often I eat for other reasons.
There have been a few moments where I’ve really had to call upon my powers of resistance. Last time I did this (or any) kind of cleanse, I did not have kids, so I was not fixing anybody a grilled cheese sandwich, or being offered a cookie from the basket at music class. I did not have to go to the grocery store and buy bagels or juice or bread. I did not wake in the morning to the aroma of toasting waffles.
So, I’ve had to say no a lot. Which is okay, I suppose. But it makes me wonder about a lot. Like, why am I doing this? I’m really not into denying myself things, especially at this point in my life, when it feels like it takes a lot of rigamarole (e.g. childcare) to have the time, energy, wherewithall to give to myself. So why cut out more things I actually like?
I’m trying to think in terms of “giving myself health.” Sometimes that flies, sometimes not so much, and I just feel kind of crabby.I also have these waves of self-doubt that knock me over. Besides “why am I doing this,” there are lots of questions about whether or not I’m doing it “right.” Do I feel so crappy because I’m detoxing or because I’m not taking the right supplements? Should I really not be eating nut butter or apples? What about rice?
Will I ever be able to stop taking drugs? I know it’s only been four days, but I think I expected more in terms of sinus relief. Also, I’ve been taking an antidepressant for about six months and am thinking about going off of it, but then I have these mood swings and think I better stay on. I’m feeling really stuck, emotionally. But that’s a whole nother post.
What all of this comes down to is not knowing my body. We’ve been so out of touch with each other for so long now, my body and me, that I feel like I’m lost in the wilderness with someone who only speaks Russian and we are both trying to figure out how to survive.
Nice to know someone out there might be reading the smoke signals.

I Want....

chocolate cake with white buttercream, the too-sweet kind that you get at the grocery store and Lindt dark chocolate truffles and a beer and a cigaratte and a bagel with cream cheese and a bowl of cereal and a grilled cheese sandwich and another beer and jelly toast and a reese's peanut butter cup and and and...

Day One

Before I go any further, I want to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. I know there are a million other things you could be doing, so I feel honored that you are choosing to spend your time here. Thank you.

So, I survived DAY ONE! The eating part wasn’t too bad, but my period started last night and I woke up with a migraine. I had wanted to be all ceremonial and centered as I sat down to eat my meals and take my supplements and drink my tea. But mostly I was in pain. I took a lot of drugs, which felt weird while trying to detox. But I was alone with my kids all day and felt like I didn’t have much of a choice. I will be interested to see if cleaning out my system has any impact on my hormonal headaches. That would be nice.

Here’s what I ate today: rice cakes with almond butter and apple slices – yum. Veggies and hummus; a salad w/ a chicken breast and a hard-boiled egg and guacamole; Thai-spiced salmon w/ asparagus and half a sweet potato. Sounds pretty good, huh? None of it was too hard to prepare, either, so that made it easy. The fish was in the freezer, and so was the asparagus, so that took all of ten minutes to make, and the chicken breast had been grilled last night. It did take a lot of forethought though, which I am not used to.
It was pretty amazing to notice how often I wanted to just put something in my mouth. I had my mid-morning sweet craving; I wanted to munch on something before lunch; I almost popped the last few bites of E’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my mouth without even thinking about it; Gave C a handful of raisins at one point and could have easily had a few myself. And now, after dinner. Always have to have something sweet. So as I write, I’m nibbling my unsweetend carob chips and sunflower seeds. Not exactly Cherry Garcia ice cream, but it’s somewhat satisfying.
Well, I promised myself early bed tonight b/c of the headache, which is still there. I will write about our very SUCCESSFUL garage sale soon.
Thanks for tuning in…

Still Stuck on "When"

I’ve been obsessing about when to start the cleanse. I was thinking the 21st, Friday, since that’s the solstice, it’s the first day of the garage sale, and I’m supposed to get my period. Seems ceremonial and right and meaningful.
But then, secretly, part of me also had this idea of the garage sale being the kind of thing where you have coffee and donuts while you’re waiting for people, (or collecting money), and then afterwards you order a pizza.
But then I thought, I can get over that. There’s no reason I can’t have fun running around setting up, keeping track of money and the kids and the stuff and people while also eating…. what, exactly? Then I really started to think about what I could eat that would be on the diet that would not involve a lot of cooking and prep and I got all freaked out again.
But then I thought, what is the big deal? This is what I want to do, what it feels like my body needs so why not just begin. Now. Today.
But then, I don’t happen to have much buckwheat flour and stevia on hand at the moment and I don’t have time to go buy and then roast a chicken and Brussels sprouts between now and dinner.
I’ve been trying to look at the reality of what it will mean to eat in this way – with forethought and preparation – without denying the difficulty of it or getting overwhelmed by it. It’s a tricky balance.
When I first decided I wanted to do this, which seems like a while ago now, I thought I would be a few weeks in to the cleanse by the time we had the garage sale. Since I still haven’t started yet, I’m already feeling behind, although I don’t know whose time-frame I’m working with or how I came up with these dates to begin with. Also, having started a few weeks ago would have meant that by now I would already have achieved some level of detox, clarity and deep emotional insight, and therefore the moment when I actually got rid of the STUFF at the garage sale would somehow be more “spiritual.”
Wow – now that I have articulated that it seems pretty crazy and I see how much I’m expecting of myself and of this whole process. Okay. Good to know.
Soooo, now I’ve decided that Sunday I can do some shopping and meal planning, and then on Monday, in a relaxed and calm manner, I can begin the cleanse. Maybe not ceremonial in the way I had originally envisioned it, but this way, it will be officially fall and the house will have been cleared. I’ll be working from the outside in.
Glad that’s finally settled.
Confession: meanwhile, while I’ve been “waiting to start,” I’ve had this whole Mardi Gras thing going on, like woo-hoo!! Better eat bagels while I can because pretty soon, they’ll be a no-no. (interesting that at a different moment in my life, “bagels” would have been “beer.” ) same with chocolate and ice cream and and and…
And so the longer this gets extended, the more c rap I’m eating, and the crappier I’m feeling, and I don’t even really want the crappy food any more, it’s just some kind of ritual I have to watch myself perform.

I think I’ll adopt, “okay. Good to know” as my mantra for the time being.

TA-DAAAH!!

We spent much of the weekend cleaning, organizing, and getting ready for the HUGE MULTI-FAMILY GARAGE sale. My mom took the boys on Saturday morning so I had a solid chunk of time during which no one was attempting to play with whatever toys I had just put in the SALE box.

Can you see the shine on the garage floor? My husband actually PAINTED it. That space was not that empty when we moved in here. The previous owners left some stuff stashed in the corners that we never got rid of and could not accurately identify. My guess was gardening whatsits and some tubing (with which one does what, exactly?). There is still some rattan furniture in the rafters which we did not manage to remove, but I’m thinking if anyone looks up there and offers to get it down, they can have it (although my husband jokes that that stuff is classic – they don’t make it like that anymore. We should set a high price. I say, we’d throw in whatever it’s infested with for free.)

Meanwhile, I was inside sorting and organizing. But not too much or Bella would be disappointed when she comes to help. How funny hat this huge pile of stuff actually feels like an accomplishment!
(Baby not for sale)

The Whens and Hows

I haven’t set an official start date yet for my cleanse to begin. Sometime in the next week, though. I think I’ve been waiting for things to slow down a little bit before I get going on the cleanse, but I’m realizing the “slow down” is never going to happen, which is part of the point of the whole thing – figuring out a way to be present and conscious in my life the way it is right now.
But we are just settling in to a routine, with my three-year-old starting a new school, which means he now goes five mornings a week, and my husband starting back with his teaching schedule. The two of us just returned from a trip to Montreal, and I didn’t want to be thinking too much about what I could eat or not while we were there. And now I’ve been going through all the closets and toy baskets, etc. in preparation for the garage sale, which is next weekend. In the midst of all of this, I haven’t had too much time to think about the new food plan. (I’m going to resist calling it a “diet.”)
To give an impression of how long it’s been since I’ve done this, the Web was just starting, I think, the last time. Or at any rate, I wasn’t using it much, so I wasn’t looking to see what kind of recipes or meal plans and whatnot were available on line. There are TONS, and I’m overwhelmed.
Last time, I was under the care of a chiropractor, who had his own version of the candida diet, and that’s what I followed. This consisted of brown rice, most vegetables, fruits and meats, and eggs. No corn, citrus, melon or pork. No dairy or other grains. And lots of vitamin supplements, formulas to boost the immune system and kill off the candida, which he sold.
Some of the other versions that I have looked up on-line allow some dairy but no fruit. Others say oatmeal is okay, or buckwheat or quinoa. Some allow nuts and nut butters, but some don’t. Legumes are also controversial.
There is one plan that talks in terms of stages, the first “stage,” lasting three months, is the most limited. But during stage one you can have one portion of a stage two food, and either a level one vegetable or a level three fruit.
My god. By the time I figured out what I could eat, I’d have fallen off the stage all together. And then what level would I be on?
And then there are the vitamins. Entire industries have sprung up around eradication of candida. Some companies sell vitamin formulas and on-line support, which you have to pay for. Others are only vitamins, but you have to become a selling agent before you can buy them. Most that sell vitamin formulas boast that they are the one true candida-ridding formula, and that all the others are a scam. There are separate websites which discuss one or the other formula, claiming that “the other one” doesn’t work, and that, this is a real, ordinary person writing this, and not a paid employee of the company. Hmm… sounds a little suspicious to me.
So, how do I know what will work best for me? What I did the last time worked well, and I felt good while on it. So why not just do that?
To be honest, the thought of being able to eat plain yogurt once in a while sounds pretty good, as does spreading almond butter on a slice of Wasa bread. So maybe I’ll choose a plan that allows that.
But that feels like cheating, or like I’m committing some kind of sin. Like I’m changing the rules of my religion to make it more convenient.
I know this is a crazy way to think, but that’s how it is. Many proponents of one or another candida diet are like evangelists. Each one states that theirs is the One True Diet, and that “cheating” will prolong your candida since candida thrives on the forbidden foods, and/or you’ll have to start all over. In other words, the devil’s gonna getcha and you’ll burn in hell.
Ideally, I could center myself, get in touch with my gut and find out what my body needs, but right now I’m so far out of my body that I can only figure it out from way out here. I feel like I need someone else to tell me, which feels like a very dangerous place to be.
So I’ve been scrolling through various recipe lists to get ideas of things to eat. Mostly I’m looking for fast-cooking, low prep kinds of things, regardless of which plan it’s in, but there aren't a lot of those, which is my current problem – grab what’s quick and easy, which is usually not what’s best for you.
Not too excited about seeing so many recipe titles with quotation marks in them. For example, Mashed “Potatoes” (it’s really cauliflower), or Mexican “Pizza” (ground up almonds mixed with water for the crust and rice cheese??) Creamy Nut and seed “Pudding.” I didn’t even look to see what that one was.
Now, these foods could be perfectly tasty, but let’s just call it what it is and not try to make it something else or we’re bound to be disappointed.
Then there are the 15-ingredient muffins. And these are not ingredients like cloves, cinnamon, and nutmeg that you can just grab off your spice rack. No. we’re talking Amaranth, Quinoa flakes AND quinoa powder, spelt flour, buckwheat flour, stevia, ghee, some other sweetener I’ve never heard of…
Beneath the text of the recipes, you have people’s comments (sometimes their pictures) about the recipes and slight adaptations they may have made. Like, “Hey Candione, I’ve been searching for a pumpkin quinoa loaf, and this really did the trick! I used a little less rutabaga because of my sensitivity, but it still tasted great! Thanks for sending this it!!! J”
Do I really want to do this?

And So It Begins

AND SO IT BEGINS
Well, I had a whole long post in mind for today having to do with stuff about the candida diet, but something more important happened yesterday: I started crying while unloading the dishwasher. There I was putting glasses in the cupboard and all of a sudden the tears started flowing. I had just read Bella’s post (I’ll put a link here as soon as I figure out how to do that) about Sarah moving out and the garage sale, and I don’t know – it just came.
That I felt emotional was not unusual. It doesn’t take much to make me want to cry. The thing that was different yesterday was that I actually let myself. I didn’t think, oh, I don’t have time for this, or oh, the kids will be up soon, I better not let them see me this way, or, oh, there’s too much – I’ll flood the kitchen. I just let the tears fall. And then, I actually Sat Down and cried. Just cried. Right there at the crusty kitchen table.
Then I got up and resumed unloading the dishwasher and cried some more, every once in a while pausing to let out a sob. And then E woke up and I went to get him and we went on with the day.
Crying while unloading the dishwasher just reaffirmed my need to do this whole cleanse thing. Already things are starting to release and let go, and I think it’s because I am moving into a more intentional space. A place of permission, of expansion. A place of being. I know, with the way my life is right now, that I could not get into that kind of space without having some kind of ritual, something to mark that I am moving into a different time.
I’ve been keeping so much right under the surface for so long now that it was bound to come spilling out, but I think what really got me going, after reading Bella’s blog, was all the stuff about endings and beginnings. How so much is ending for me right now:
This time of my life, my “child bearing years.” (what an awful phrase)
My kids’ babyhood. And I know everyone goes through this, to some degree. I guess I resist talking about it or even articulating it to myself b/c it is so damn cliché and hallmark. But when it’s actually happening to Me, it’s deep and profound. And so yes, there are the teeny socks and the crib sheets and the Easter outfit. There are also the toys they never played with, and it occurred to me earlier that part of what’s ending is the part where I didn’t know who they would be. I didn’t know if C would enjoy the car track, or whether or not E would have fun with the bowling set. I had no idea who these people were, and now I do.
Knowing I’ll never go through that again. And I know I don’t want to, and that I’m making a choice in not having any more kids, which I think is a good choice. But it’s not without pain and a sense of loss, and also some ambivalence. I spent a long time thinking I didn’t want any kids, then just one. Then I had my second and all of a sudden I wanted a third. Right away. It was crazy, but that’s how I felt. But as the hormones started to fade, and the reality of my life sunk in, I knew it would not be wise.
Still, I had been surprised that I had even the fleeting desire for a third (a girl?). I think, really, if I had started sooner, I would have had more. I don’t think I’ve ever really let myself be sad about that. So there is that loss and that sadness, and even the baby that I wanted for a while but who will not be. (again, most likely.)
And my time with C. He’s in school five mornings a week now, and it’s still kind of achey. Like when he asked if there is school tomorrow, and then if there is school the day after that and I said no, that’s Saturday and he said, “okay, good. Then we’ll have time in the morning to play with all the stuff in the yard.” So here he is, starting to schedule his playtime.
I let some of that bubble up and come out, and it felt good. Even so, there was part of me that held back, thinking that I wanted to wait until I knew I would not be interrupted. But, I’m beginning to realize that time will never be, so I have to take it when it comes. I always think, later, in the bathtub, or when I’m writing, I’ll let it out. But as I sat down to write this, I did not cry.
So, again, gotta take it as it comes. Maybe I’m beginning to get that, just a little bit. In the midst of all the endings, a beginning. Today I allowed myself to stop doing to let myself feel.

Why I'm Here

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WHY I’M HERE
Well, here I am, blogging. Honestly, I’ve never even read many blogs and now here I am, writing my own. It’s weird. I feel self-conscious and kind of silly but also like I want this to be perfect and profound and riveting.
But I’m willing to let that go, which is really what this is all about.
I’m about to embark upon a Cleanse. This cleanse, as I envision it, will involve some version of the candida diet, and along with purging my body of toxins and fungi, I am hoping to dump a lot of emotional waste that has built up over the past few years. Also, I’m having a garage sale. But more on that later.
I’m freaking out a little bit because I have undergone various cleansing dietary regimens before. I’ve done juice fasts ; I’ve been a vegetarian and a vegan; I’ve gone wheat-free and dairy free; I’ve tried the cabbage soup diet; I’ve done different versions of the candida diet; I’ve done the garlic, olive oil maple syrup cleanse.
That was all years ago, before I was married and had kids, when I was trying out different personas and figuring out who I was. When I was in massage school and serious about alternative health care. When I was on the road and concerned about karma.
The thing that makes me anxious about it now is that I know how easy it is for me to become completely obsessed with food – with what I can and can’t eat and want to eat but am not “allowed,” with whether or not I’m doing enough or too much of whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing. I know how the shopping and food preparing can take over my life, how finding the obscure grain or exact combination of vitamin supplements means many trips to the specialty and health food stores. And how, when it’s over, when the stated number of days or weeks of restraint has ended, there is always a backlash.
I now have a three year old and a one year old. This will have to be very different, because everything is different now. I don’t have the time or mental space to obsess, but I don’t really have the time or mental space to think about food at all – I just eat. I’ve made a few attempts since becoming a mother to regain some sort of consciousness about what I’m eating because I find that often, now, I spend a lot of the day mindlessly putting things in my mouth. I’ve tried to reign in my sugar consumption, and in an effort to get rid of my post-partum weight, I spent about three days on the Zone Diet before I gave up.
So. Why do I want to do this again now if I know I get crazy or might be setting myself up to fail?
I feel the need. And (maybe), I feel ready.
I suspect I have candida (for those who don’t know, candida is a systemic fungus that causes everything from yeast infections to fatigue to digestive problems to difficulty thinking clearly. It’s the kind of condition that many medical doctors don’t believe is real, while other practitioners think most people are walking around with it and don’t know it. There are various causes of candida, but long-term or repeated antibiotic use is a big culprit, along with a high-carb diet.) I don’t currently have a lot of the digestive issues that I’ve had in the past when I’ve had candida (although, generally, I’m prone to constipation). But last year, I had a bad cold that turned into an ear infection which turned into really bad sinusitis. I took antibiotics and then more antibiotics and then steroids. I’ve been on Allegra D and a steroid nasal spray for about a year. I’d like to get off of both of them, especially since they don’t seem to be working as well, and my sinusitis is coming back, which could be caused by candida.
I’ve had seasonal allergies for about fifteen years and started taking Claritin when it came out over the counter. Then I was taking it every day. I think I’m addicted to Sudafed. I feel like I always have fluid in my ears.
And there are other things. A toenail fungus that won’t go away. These weird little itchy bumbs all over my hands. I itch in places that one does not generally scratch in public.
All of which seems pretty fungal. And all of which, I know, hardly registers on the broad spectrum of physical ailments. But I know I could be feeling better than I do. I don’t know if it’s the drugs I’m on or the way I’m eating or being a mom, but I feel tired and sluggish all the time.
Additionally, along with all the physical symptoms, I’m feeling the need for an emotional release. I feel like I need to sit in the bathtub and cry for about a month. Over the past few years, since having kids, especially since my second child, I feel like I’ve built up a lot of grief. I’ve only just recently identified this as the feeling I’ve been walking around with for so long now. It’s mixed in with some other feelings that I can’t quite name yet.
Lately, I’ve had the sense that I’m ready to let go, or that I’ve finished with something. That these emotions have served their purpose in my life and in my body, and yet they’re still kind of hanging around. So I’m hoping that while detoxifying my body, my mind and psyche will also release what they no longer need.
Meanwhile, I’m having a garage sale. I know that probably seems random and unrelated, but it’s all part of the cleaning out process for me. An outward manifestation of what’s going on inside. So I’ll be getting rid of a lot of baby stuff, which is something I want to do and feel I’m ready for, but at the same time, I can’t even really think about it before tearing up. See? Right now – tears. It’s a way of making real that this part of my life has ended. (most likely. I have to put that “most likely” in there as a sort of caveat: Just because we’re selling the exersaucer doesn’t mean that should I happen to get pregnant, we can buy another one.)
So what about going crazy and getting obsessive and extreme? That’s what this blog is about. I’m hoping to have a place to process things, to deliberately articulate what I’m doing and what’s going on, so that when things get hard or painful or when I start to obsess, I’ll be able to release some of that energy here, and maybe even get support, too (although the audience part of this whole thing is still pretty vague and mysterious).
I’ll end for now.