I'm back?

I’ve been AWOL. Had pretty much been thinking in terms of having completely abandoned the whole blog business because I’ve been feeling too entirely overwhelmed by everything and can’t manage to even keep up with reading the blogs that I have come to enjoy in the short time since I’ve entered this strange world of blogging, let alone compose posts of my own. Besides I have found myself lately in a profoundly non-verbal space which is strange for me and not a little frightening, to tell you the truth, but that’s where I’ve been.
Plus, both my kids seem to have given up napping, so that’s been fun.
And then there’s the fact that I’ve been playing martyr in my marriage and offering up the minute parcels of “time to myself” that I have to my husband because he does, after all, earn (most of)the money and has been up nights finishing his work, and so who am I to claim need of such a thing as “time to write.” Ha. Not real healthy, I know, but for now, it's all I know how to do.
Meanwhile, I had my pap smear appointment the other day and talked to my midwife about what’s been going on with me and she did a test, which shows I have…..YEAST!! yes, five weeks into doing the candida diet yeast is still present in my body. I was not shocked. Disappointed, yes. Surprised, no. The good news is that she did not see it when she was down there,which means there was not a full-blown yeast infection. So that’s something.
Still. I’m still fighting the fungus.
That was the day before Halloween, so you can imagine what went down with all that candy in the house.
And the next two days I was involved in a focus group for…..SNACK CAKES!! I was asked to sample cream-filled, vanilla snack cakes. Four on the first day, three on the second, and then give my opinion.
Honestly, they were a little disgusting. It wasn’t just the sugar, but the artificial-ness of them. Yuck.
And since then, I’ve been giving myself a break from the diet. I’ll get back on track tomorrow, I think. It’s been interesting. I have not gone SUGAR CRAZY since its reintroduction into my system as I might have in the past. I haven’t thought, well, I’m “cheating” today, so I might as well eat complete crap all day long. There has been some new and different behavior going on here, which feels good. It's as if some kind of growth has occurred while I was looking elsewhere.
Today, for breakfast I might have had any number of things I’ve been “denying” myself for the past month, and might have even put pressure on myself to “live it up” while I’m “taking the day off.” But what I really wanted was a bowl of oatmeal with raisins and a little honey. So that’s what I had. Not exactly candida-diet friendly, but not a bowl of Sugar Snaps in chocolate milk, either.
So, anyway. I’ve been feeling a little nutty. Like thinking that I might actually be making a long-term lifestyle change, as opposed to a 30-day “diet” which is what I thought I was doing, and the shift in thinking has thrown me for a loop. I had no idea how much the things I eat are tied up with my identity. Also, how much of the way I eat is tied in with a lot of stuff about my mother. That both of these things have been so shocking has itself been a little shocking. These are the kinds of things I know but don’t really know I know or want to know that I know, but they’ve been right in front of me the whole time.
Also, I had such high expectations of this “cleanse.” Like I would struggle with detox the first week or so, and then have a cathartic moment where I would have a good cry and then afterwards I would feel light and clean and all would be right with the world.
Um, no.
The reality is that I still feel really bogged down, emotionally and physically. I have not cried since that day unloading the dishwasher even though I have needed to on several occasions, and I’m so incredibly constipated – despite the use of a two-week Enzymatic Cleasing Kit with includes both fiber and herbal laxative pills – that I literally broke into a cold sweat while sitting on the toilet the other day.
Fun times!
So, I may or may not be adjusting my expectations, and I may or may not explore this and more here. I’m not committing to anything. Everything is turning out to be very different from what I thought, which, I supposed, could be just fine.

communing vs cheating

Last Sunday I attended a baby shower. At the shower, I ate pasta, blue cheese, bread, mushrooms and CAKE, among other things which were or were not on the “allowed foods” list I have been trying to follow. I have decided to be okay with this. Before going, I considered the fact that the shower was going to be held at an Italian restaurant, and I weighed some options for lunch: I could eat only “allowed” foods and abstain from others, a choice which might involve picking through the salad bowl as it was being passed around the table or requesting a complete ingredient list from the wait staff. I could take whatever is offered and move the food around on my plate. I could tap my fork against my water glass and make an announcement: “While I am happy to be here, I will not be eating lunch today because I’m not consuming wheat dairy sugar fungi as I am trying to rid my body of candida which is a systemic fungus….” And then go into more detail, as requested by the other guests.
I pretty much thought I would do what I did, which might be called “cheating.”
But I’m not calling it that. I’m calling it “communing.” I took part in a ritual. I might have done so without the cake, but I had my cake and said mmmm with everyone else. Because I wanted to. I worried a bit about the ritualizing, in general, of eating certain foods simply to have an excuse to eat what we know is not good for us, a custom quite prevalent in our culture and most definitely in my family. Any occasion is an occasion to eat, and to “cheat” on whatever particular diet we might be following at the moment, so that we can then punish ourselves again on Monday. But then Monday is “woo-hoo Monday!!” Time to eat donuts. And on and on.
But this felt different. At this event in particular, I wanted to celebrate life and affirm the pleasure of cake-eating. It seemed important to not worry about “rules” and enjoy myself with the other women in my family, cousins I see only on holidays, and with Elizabeth, the mom-to-be, because the baby we were welcoming has spina bifida. He will be born via planned C-section and taken immediately for surgery to close his spine. More surgeries will follow. Beyond that, much is uncertain.
I wasn’t sure what the tone of the shower would be, or if any of this would be acknowledged. I was happy to see that Elizabeth seemed excited and nervous in the way most moms-to-be are nervous as they near their 8th month of pregnancy. She looked beautiful as she unwrapped the onesies and the changing table pad. She was excited to receive the exersaucer and the bouncy seat she had carefully selected for her registry at babies r us.
There was no sign that she felt in any way “cheated” of a healthy, “normal” baby. She was already in love with her son.
The cake being passed around looked delicious. I took a slice and enjoyed every bite.

Still Stuck on "When"

I’ve been obsessing about when to start the cleanse. I was thinking the 21st, Friday, since that’s the solstice, it’s the first day of the garage sale, and I’m supposed to get my period. Seems ceremonial and right and meaningful.
But then, secretly, part of me also had this idea of the garage sale being the kind of thing where you have coffee and donuts while you’re waiting for people, (or collecting money), and then afterwards you order a pizza.
But then I thought, I can get over that. There’s no reason I can’t have fun running around setting up, keeping track of money and the kids and the stuff and people while also eating…. what, exactly? Then I really started to think about what I could eat that would be on the diet that would not involve a lot of cooking and prep and I got all freaked out again.
But then I thought, what is the big deal? This is what I want to do, what it feels like my body needs so why not just begin. Now. Today.
But then, I don’t happen to have much buckwheat flour and stevia on hand at the moment and I don’t have time to go buy and then roast a chicken and Brussels sprouts between now and dinner.
I’ve been trying to look at the reality of what it will mean to eat in this way – with forethought and preparation – without denying the difficulty of it or getting overwhelmed by it. It’s a tricky balance.
When I first decided I wanted to do this, which seems like a while ago now, I thought I would be a few weeks in to the cleanse by the time we had the garage sale. Since I still haven’t started yet, I’m already feeling behind, although I don’t know whose time-frame I’m working with or how I came up with these dates to begin with. Also, having started a few weeks ago would have meant that by now I would already have achieved some level of detox, clarity and deep emotional insight, and therefore the moment when I actually got rid of the STUFF at the garage sale would somehow be more “spiritual.”
Wow – now that I have articulated that it seems pretty crazy and I see how much I’m expecting of myself and of this whole process. Okay. Good to know.
Soooo, now I’ve decided that Sunday I can do some shopping and meal planning, and then on Monday, in a relaxed and calm manner, I can begin the cleanse. Maybe not ceremonial in the way I had originally envisioned it, but this way, it will be officially fall and the house will have been cleared. I’ll be working from the outside in.
Glad that’s finally settled.
Confession: meanwhile, while I’ve been “waiting to start,” I’ve had this whole Mardi Gras thing going on, like woo-hoo!! Better eat bagels while I can because pretty soon, they’ll be a no-no. (interesting that at a different moment in my life, “bagels” would have been “beer.” ) same with chocolate and ice cream and and and…
And so the longer this gets extended, the more c rap I’m eating, and the crappier I’m feeling, and I don’t even really want the crappy food any more, it’s just some kind of ritual I have to watch myself perform.

I think I’ll adopt, “okay. Good to know” as my mantra for the time being.

The Whens and Hows

I haven’t set an official start date yet for my cleanse to begin. Sometime in the next week, though. I think I’ve been waiting for things to slow down a little bit before I get going on the cleanse, but I’m realizing the “slow down” is never going to happen, which is part of the point of the whole thing – figuring out a way to be present and conscious in my life the way it is right now.
But we are just settling in to a routine, with my three-year-old starting a new school, which means he now goes five mornings a week, and my husband starting back with his teaching schedule. The two of us just returned from a trip to Montreal, and I didn’t want to be thinking too much about what I could eat or not while we were there. And now I’ve been going through all the closets and toy baskets, etc. in preparation for the garage sale, which is next weekend. In the midst of all of this, I haven’t had too much time to think about the new food plan. (I’m going to resist calling it a “diet.”)
To give an impression of how long it’s been since I’ve done this, the Web was just starting, I think, the last time. Or at any rate, I wasn’t using it much, so I wasn’t looking to see what kind of recipes or meal plans and whatnot were available on line. There are TONS, and I’m overwhelmed.
Last time, I was under the care of a chiropractor, who had his own version of the candida diet, and that’s what I followed. This consisted of brown rice, most vegetables, fruits and meats, and eggs. No corn, citrus, melon or pork. No dairy or other grains. And lots of vitamin supplements, formulas to boost the immune system and kill off the candida, which he sold.
Some of the other versions that I have looked up on-line allow some dairy but no fruit. Others say oatmeal is okay, or buckwheat or quinoa. Some allow nuts and nut butters, but some don’t. Legumes are also controversial.
There is one plan that talks in terms of stages, the first “stage,” lasting three months, is the most limited. But during stage one you can have one portion of a stage two food, and either a level one vegetable or a level three fruit.
My god. By the time I figured out what I could eat, I’d have fallen off the stage all together. And then what level would I be on?
And then there are the vitamins. Entire industries have sprung up around eradication of candida. Some companies sell vitamin formulas and on-line support, which you have to pay for. Others are only vitamins, but you have to become a selling agent before you can buy them. Most that sell vitamin formulas boast that they are the one true candida-ridding formula, and that all the others are a scam. There are separate websites which discuss one or the other formula, claiming that “the other one” doesn’t work, and that, this is a real, ordinary person writing this, and not a paid employee of the company. Hmm… sounds a little suspicious to me.
So, how do I know what will work best for me? What I did the last time worked well, and I felt good while on it. So why not just do that?
To be honest, the thought of being able to eat plain yogurt once in a while sounds pretty good, as does spreading almond butter on a slice of Wasa bread. So maybe I’ll choose a plan that allows that.
But that feels like cheating, or like I’m committing some kind of sin. Like I’m changing the rules of my religion to make it more convenient.
I know this is a crazy way to think, but that’s how it is. Many proponents of one or another candida diet are like evangelists. Each one states that theirs is the One True Diet, and that “cheating” will prolong your candida since candida thrives on the forbidden foods, and/or you’ll have to start all over. In other words, the devil’s gonna getcha and you’ll burn in hell.
Ideally, I could center myself, get in touch with my gut and find out what my body needs, but right now I’m so far out of my body that I can only figure it out from way out here. I feel like I need someone else to tell me, which feels like a very dangerous place to be.
So I’ve been scrolling through various recipe lists to get ideas of things to eat. Mostly I’m looking for fast-cooking, low prep kinds of things, regardless of which plan it’s in, but there aren't a lot of those, which is my current problem – grab what’s quick and easy, which is usually not what’s best for you.
Not too excited about seeing so many recipe titles with quotation marks in them. For example, Mashed “Potatoes” (it’s really cauliflower), or Mexican “Pizza” (ground up almonds mixed with water for the crust and rice cheese??) Creamy Nut and seed “Pudding.” I didn’t even look to see what that one was.
Now, these foods could be perfectly tasty, but let’s just call it what it is and not try to make it something else or we’re bound to be disappointed.
Then there are the 15-ingredient muffins. And these are not ingredients like cloves, cinnamon, and nutmeg that you can just grab off your spice rack. No. we’re talking Amaranth, Quinoa flakes AND quinoa powder, spelt flour, buckwheat flour, stevia, ghee, some other sweetener I’ve never heard of…
Beneath the text of the recipes, you have people’s comments (sometimes their pictures) about the recipes and slight adaptations they may have made. Like, “Hey Candione, I’ve been searching for a pumpkin quinoa loaf, and this really did the trick! I used a little less rutabaga because of my sensitivity, but it still tasted great! Thanks for sending this it!!! J”
Do I really want to do this?

Why I'm Here

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WHY I’M HERE
Well, here I am, blogging. Honestly, I’ve never even read many blogs and now here I am, writing my own. It’s weird. I feel self-conscious and kind of silly but also like I want this to be perfect and profound and riveting.
But I’m willing to let that go, which is really what this is all about.
I’m about to embark upon a Cleanse. This cleanse, as I envision it, will involve some version of the candida diet, and along with purging my body of toxins and fungi, I am hoping to dump a lot of emotional waste that has built up over the past few years. Also, I’m having a garage sale. But more on that later.
I’m freaking out a little bit because I have undergone various cleansing dietary regimens before. I’ve done juice fasts ; I’ve been a vegetarian and a vegan; I’ve gone wheat-free and dairy free; I’ve tried the cabbage soup diet; I’ve done different versions of the candida diet; I’ve done the garlic, olive oil maple syrup cleanse.
That was all years ago, before I was married and had kids, when I was trying out different personas and figuring out who I was. When I was in massage school and serious about alternative health care. When I was on the road and concerned about karma.
The thing that makes me anxious about it now is that I know how easy it is for me to become completely obsessed with food – with what I can and can’t eat and want to eat but am not “allowed,” with whether or not I’m doing enough or too much of whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing. I know how the shopping and food preparing can take over my life, how finding the obscure grain or exact combination of vitamin supplements means many trips to the specialty and health food stores. And how, when it’s over, when the stated number of days or weeks of restraint has ended, there is always a backlash.
I now have a three year old and a one year old. This will have to be very different, because everything is different now. I don’t have the time or mental space to obsess, but I don’t really have the time or mental space to think about food at all – I just eat. I’ve made a few attempts since becoming a mother to regain some sort of consciousness about what I’m eating because I find that often, now, I spend a lot of the day mindlessly putting things in my mouth. I’ve tried to reign in my sugar consumption, and in an effort to get rid of my post-partum weight, I spent about three days on the Zone Diet before I gave up.
So. Why do I want to do this again now if I know I get crazy or might be setting myself up to fail?
I feel the need. And (maybe), I feel ready.
I suspect I have candida (for those who don’t know, candida is a systemic fungus that causes everything from yeast infections to fatigue to digestive problems to difficulty thinking clearly. It’s the kind of condition that many medical doctors don’t believe is real, while other practitioners think most people are walking around with it and don’t know it. There are various causes of candida, but long-term or repeated antibiotic use is a big culprit, along with a high-carb diet.) I don’t currently have a lot of the digestive issues that I’ve had in the past when I’ve had candida (although, generally, I’m prone to constipation). But last year, I had a bad cold that turned into an ear infection which turned into really bad sinusitis. I took antibiotics and then more antibiotics and then steroids. I’ve been on Allegra D and a steroid nasal spray for about a year. I’d like to get off of both of them, especially since they don’t seem to be working as well, and my sinusitis is coming back, which could be caused by candida.
I’ve had seasonal allergies for about fifteen years and started taking Claritin when it came out over the counter. Then I was taking it every day. I think I’m addicted to Sudafed. I feel like I always have fluid in my ears.
And there are other things. A toenail fungus that won’t go away. These weird little itchy bumbs all over my hands. I itch in places that one does not generally scratch in public.
All of which seems pretty fungal. And all of which, I know, hardly registers on the broad spectrum of physical ailments. But I know I could be feeling better than I do. I don’t know if it’s the drugs I’m on or the way I’m eating or being a mom, but I feel tired and sluggish all the time.
Additionally, along with all the physical symptoms, I’m feeling the need for an emotional release. I feel like I need to sit in the bathtub and cry for about a month. Over the past few years, since having kids, especially since my second child, I feel like I’ve built up a lot of grief. I’ve only just recently identified this as the feeling I’ve been walking around with for so long now. It’s mixed in with some other feelings that I can’t quite name yet.
Lately, I’ve had the sense that I’m ready to let go, or that I’ve finished with something. That these emotions have served their purpose in my life and in my body, and yet they’re still kind of hanging around. So I’m hoping that while detoxifying my body, my mind and psyche will also release what they no longer need.
Meanwhile, I’m having a garage sale. I know that probably seems random and unrelated, but it’s all part of the cleaning out process for me. An outward manifestation of what’s going on inside. So I’ll be getting rid of a lot of baby stuff, which is something I want to do and feel I’m ready for, but at the same time, I can’t even really think about it before tearing up. See? Right now – tears. It’s a way of making real that this part of my life has ended. (most likely. I have to put that “most likely” in there as a sort of caveat: Just because we’re selling the exersaucer doesn’t mean that should I happen to get pregnant, we can buy another one.)
So what about going crazy and getting obsessive and extreme? That’s what this blog is about. I’m hoping to have a place to process things, to deliberately articulate what I’m doing and what’s going on, so that when things get hard or painful or when I start to obsess, I’ll be able to release some of that energy here, and maybe even get support, too (although the audience part of this whole thing is still pretty vague and mysterious).
I’ll end for now.