another day of graditude

I teach a writing class on Tuesday nights, and my mom usually babysits. My folks are vacationing in Mexico this week, so I called the kid across the alley to see if he could sit. He has done so before, with mixed results. Nothing “bad” has ever happened when the kids are in his care, but he’s done things like forget to turn off the overhead light when putting the baby to bed, and last time, he wouldn’t let my older son put the CD’s in the boom box because he didn’t believe we would allow this. He is very earnest and took a Red Cross Babysitting course and brought his certificate to show us when he came for his “interview” (a meeting which he insisted on having). But, he has just turned 13, and since a three-year-old and one-year-old are a lot for ME to handle, we generally use his services when we’re going out after the kids are in bed.
Tonight he didn’t show up. My class starts at 6:30, and he was to arrive at 5:30, which would give me just enough time to drive across town, park, check in at the office and get to my class. At 6:40 I phoned my brother’s house since they live close to the campus where I’m teaching to see if they would be home, but they were going out. I am GRATEFUL that the sitter they had hired for the evening to watch my niece happens to be the same woman who babysits in the nursery of the church we attend, so my kids know her. So, when I pulled up in the dark alley behind their building and handed my kids off saying, “the baby’s got teeth coming in and he’s been really fussy all day and neither one of them has napped and I hope no one poops because I forgot the diaper bag tim will be here by 7:30 to pick them up my class starts in three minutes gotta run bye,” I was very GRATEFUL it was someone they knew and I didn’t have to speed out of there leaving them in the dust with a complete stranger.

I'm back?

I’ve been AWOL. Had pretty much been thinking in terms of having completely abandoned the whole blog business because I’ve been feeling too entirely overwhelmed by everything and can’t manage to even keep up with reading the blogs that I have come to enjoy in the short time since I’ve entered this strange world of blogging, let alone compose posts of my own. Besides I have found myself lately in a profoundly non-verbal space which is strange for me and not a little frightening, to tell you the truth, but that’s where I’ve been.
Plus, both my kids seem to have given up napping, so that’s been fun.
And then there’s the fact that I’ve been playing martyr in my marriage and offering up the minute parcels of “time to myself” that I have to my husband because he does, after all, earn (most of)the money and has been up nights finishing his work, and so who am I to claim need of such a thing as “time to write.” Ha. Not real healthy, I know, but for now, it's all I know how to do.
Meanwhile, I had my pap smear appointment the other day and talked to my midwife about what’s been going on with me and she did a test, which shows I have…..YEAST!! yes, five weeks into doing the candida diet yeast is still present in my body. I was not shocked. Disappointed, yes. Surprised, no. The good news is that she did not see it when she was down there,which means there was not a full-blown yeast infection. So that’s something.
Still. I’m still fighting the fungus.
That was the day before Halloween, so you can imagine what went down with all that candy in the house.
And the next two days I was involved in a focus group for…..SNACK CAKES!! I was asked to sample cream-filled, vanilla snack cakes. Four on the first day, three on the second, and then give my opinion.
Honestly, they were a little disgusting. It wasn’t just the sugar, but the artificial-ness of them. Yuck.
And since then, I’ve been giving myself a break from the diet. I’ll get back on track tomorrow, I think. It’s been interesting. I have not gone SUGAR CRAZY since its reintroduction into my system as I might have in the past. I haven’t thought, well, I’m “cheating” today, so I might as well eat complete crap all day long. There has been some new and different behavior going on here, which feels good. It's as if some kind of growth has occurred while I was looking elsewhere.
Today, for breakfast I might have had any number of things I’ve been “denying” myself for the past month, and might have even put pressure on myself to “live it up” while I’m “taking the day off.” But what I really wanted was a bowl of oatmeal with raisins and a little honey. So that’s what I had. Not exactly candida-diet friendly, but not a bowl of Sugar Snaps in chocolate milk, either.
So, anyway. I’ve been feeling a little nutty. Like thinking that I might actually be making a long-term lifestyle change, as opposed to a 30-day “diet” which is what I thought I was doing, and the shift in thinking has thrown me for a loop. I had no idea how much the things I eat are tied up with my identity. Also, how much of the way I eat is tied in with a lot of stuff about my mother. That both of these things have been so shocking has itself been a little shocking. These are the kinds of things I know but don’t really know I know or want to know that I know, but they’ve been right in front of me the whole time.
Also, I had such high expectations of this “cleanse.” Like I would struggle with detox the first week or so, and then have a cathartic moment where I would have a good cry and then afterwards I would feel light and clean and all would be right with the world.
Um, no.
The reality is that I still feel really bogged down, emotionally and physically. I have not cried since that day unloading the dishwasher even though I have needed to on several occasions, and I’m so incredibly constipated – despite the use of a two-week Enzymatic Cleasing Kit with includes both fiber and herbal laxative pills – that I literally broke into a cold sweat while sitting on the toilet the other day.
Fun times!
So, I may or may not be adjusting my expectations, and I may or may not explore this and more here. I’m not committing to anything. Everything is turning out to be very different from what I thought, which, I supposed, could be just fine.

And So It Begins

AND SO IT BEGINS
Well, I had a whole long post in mind for today having to do with stuff about the candida diet, but something more important happened yesterday: I started crying while unloading the dishwasher. There I was putting glasses in the cupboard and all of a sudden the tears started flowing. I had just read Bella’s post (I’ll put a link here as soon as I figure out how to do that) about Sarah moving out and the garage sale, and I don’t know – it just came.
That I felt emotional was not unusual. It doesn’t take much to make me want to cry. The thing that was different yesterday was that I actually let myself. I didn’t think, oh, I don’t have time for this, or oh, the kids will be up soon, I better not let them see me this way, or, oh, there’s too much – I’ll flood the kitchen. I just let the tears fall. And then, I actually Sat Down and cried. Just cried. Right there at the crusty kitchen table.
Then I got up and resumed unloading the dishwasher and cried some more, every once in a while pausing to let out a sob. And then E woke up and I went to get him and we went on with the day.
Crying while unloading the dishwasher just reaffirmed my need to do this whole cleanse thing. Already things are starting to release and let go, and I think it’s because I am moving into a more intentional space. A place of permission, of expansion. A place of being. I know, with the way my life is right now, that I could not get into that kind of space without having some kind of ritual, something to mark that I am moving into a different time.
I’ve been keeping so much right under the surface for so long now that it was bound to come spilling out, but I think what really got me going, after reading Bella’s blog, was all the stuff about endings and beginnings. How so much is ending for me right now:
This time of my life, my “child bearing years.” (what an awful phrase)
My kids’ babyhood. And I know everyone goes through this, to some degree. I guess I resist talking about it or even articulating it to myself b/c it is so damn cliché and hallmark. But when it’s actually happening to Me, it’s deep and profound. And so yes, there are the teeny socks and the crib sheets and the Easter outfit. There are also the toys they never played with, and it occurred to me earlier that part of what’s ending is the part where I didn’t know who they would be. I didn’t know if C would enjoy the car track, or whether or not E would have fun with the bowling set. I had no idea who these people were, and now I do.
Knowing I’ll never go through that again. And I know I don’t want to, and that I’m making a choice in not having any more kids, which I think is a good choice. But it’s not without pain and a sense of loss, and also some ambivalence. I spent a long time thinking I didn’t want any kids, then just one. Then I had my second and all of a sudden I wanted a third. Right away. It was crazy, but that’s how I felt. But as the hormones started to fade, and the reality of my life sunk in, I knew it would not be wise.
Still, I had been surprised that I had even the fleeting desire for a third (a girl?). I think, really, if I had started sooner, I would have had more. I don’t think I’ve ever really let myself be sad about that. So there is that loss and that sadness, and even the baby that I wanted for a while but who will not be. (again, most likely.)
And my time with C. He’s in school five mornings a week now, and it’s still kind of achey. Like when he asked if there is school tomorrow, and then if there is school the day after that and I said no, that’s Saturday and he said, “okay, good. Then we’ll have time in the morning to play with all the stuff in the yard.” So here he is, starting to schedule his playtime.
I let some of that bubble up and come out, and it felt good. Even so, there was part of me that held back, thinking that I wanted to wait until I knew I would not be interrupted. But, I’m beginning to realize that time will never be, so I have to take it when it comes. I always think, later, in the bathtub, or when I’m writing, I’ll let it out. But as I sat down to write this, I did not cry.
So, again, gotta take it as it comes. Maybe I’m beginning to get that, just a little bit. In the midst of all the endings, a beginning. Today I allowed myself to stop doing to let myself feel.

Why I'm Here

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WHY I’M HERE
Well, here I am, blogging. Honestly, I’ve never even read many blogs and now here I am, writing my own. It’s weird. I feel self-conscious and kind of silly but also like I want this to be perfect and profound and riveting.
But I’m willing to let that go, which is really what this is all about.
I’m about to embark upon a Cleanse. This cleanse, as I envision it, will involve some version of the candida diet, and along with purging my body of toxins and fungi, I am hoping to dump a lot of emotional waste that has built up over the past few years. Also, I’m having a garage sale. But more on that later.
I’m freaking out a little bit because I have undergone various cleansing dietary regimens before. I’ve done juice fasts ; I’ve been a vegetarian and a vegan; I’ve gone wheat-free and dairy free; I’ve tried the cabbage soup diet; I’ve done different versions of the candida diet; I’ve done the garlic, olive oil maple syrup cleanse.
That was all years ago, before I was married and had kids, when I was trying out different personas and figuring out who I was. When I was in massage school and serious about alternative health care. When I was on the road and concerned about karma.
The thing that makes me anxious about it now is that I know how easy it is for me to become completely obsessed with food – with what I can and can’t eat and want to eat but am not “allowed,” with whether or not I’m doing enough or too much of whatever it is I’m supposed to be doing. I know how the shopping and food preparing can take over my life, how finding the obscure grain or exact combination of vitamin supplements means many trips to the specialty and health food stores. And how, when it’s over, when the stated number of days or weeks of restraint has ended, there is always a backlash.
I now have a three year old and a one year old. This will have to be very different, because everything is different now. I don’t have the time or mental space to obsess, but I don’t really have the time or mental space to think about food at all – I just eat. I’ve made a few attempts since becoming a mother to regain some sort of consciousness about what I’m eating because I find that often, now, I spend a lot of the day mindlessly putting things in my mouth. I’ve tried to reign in my sugar consumption, and in an effort to get rid of my post-partum weight, I spent about three days on the Zone Diet before I gave up.
So. Why do I want to do this again now if I know I get crazy or might be setting myself up to fail?
I feel the need. And (maybe), I feel ready.
I suspect I have candida (for those who don’t know, candida is a systemic fungus that causes everything from yeast infections to fatigue to digestive problems to difficulty thinking clearly. It’s the kind of condition that many medical doctors don’t believe is real, while other practitioners think most people are walking around with it and don’t know it. There are various causes of candida, but long-term or repeated antibiotic use is a big culprit, along with a high-carb diet.) I don’t currently have a lot of the digestive issues that I’ve had in the past when I’ve had candida (although, generally, I’m prone to constipation). But last year, I had a bad cold that turned into an ear infection which turned into really bad sinusitis. I took antibiotics and then more antibiotics and then steroids. I’ve been on Allegra D and a steroid nasal spray for about a year. I’d like to get off of both of them, especially since they don’t seem to be working as well, and my sinusitis is coming back, which could be caused by candida.
I’ve had seasonal allergies for about fifteen years and started taking Claritin when it came out over the counter. Then I was taking it every day. I think I’m addicted to Sudafed. I feel like I always have fluid in my ears.
And there are other things. A toenail fungus that won’t go away. These weird little itchy bumbs all over my hands. I itch in places that one does not generally scratch in public.
All of which seems pretty fungal. And all of which, I know, hardly registers on the broad spectrum of physical ailments. But I know I could be feeling better than I do. I don’t know if it’s the drugs I’m on or the way I’m eating or being a mom, but I feel tired and sluggish all the time.
Additionally, along with all the physical symptoms, I’m feeling the need for an emotional release. I feel like I need to sit in the bathtub and cry for about a month. Over the past few years, since having kids, especially since my second child, I feel like I’ve built up a lot of grief. I’ve only just recently identified this as the feeling I’ve been walking around with for so long now. It’s mixed in with some other feelings that I can’t quite name yet.
Lately, I’ve had the sense that I’m ready to let go, or that I’ve finished with something. That these emotions have served their purpose in my life and in my body, and yet they’re still kind of hanging around. So I’m hoping that while detoxifying my body, my mind and psyche will also release what they no longer need.
Meanwhile, I’m having a garage sale. I know that probably seems random and unrelated, but it’s all part of the cleaning out process for me. An outward manifestation of what’s going on inside. So I’ll be getting rid of a lot of baby stuff, which is something I want to do and feel I’m ready for, but at the same time, I can’t even really think about it before tearing up. See? Right now – tears. It’s a way of making real that this part of my life has ended. (most likely. I have to put that “most likely” in there as a sort of caveat: Just because we’re selling the exersaucer doesn’t mean that should I happen to get pregnant, we can buy another one.)
So what about going crazy and getting obsessive and extreme? That’s what this blog is about. I’m hoping to have a place to process things, to deliberately articulate what I’m doing and what’s going on, so that when things get hard or painful or when I start to obsess, I’ll be able to release some of that energy here, and maybe even get support, too (although the audience part of this whole thing is still pretty vague and mysterious).
I’ll end for now.